When wandering the aisles of Mardens looking for items for this blog (or any other time, really) I'm often confronted with the same question.  Whether it is in ladies clothing, shoes, toys... and especially in the questionable foods section, the question remains the same - "But - WHY?!".

 I'm all about this toy - looks like a blast...but can we have a conversation about that tag line?

When you're ready to play dirty?

Do you think the marketing interns had a bet to see what they could sneak by the execs?  I hope someone won some cash, or a bucket of chicken wings or something...

Speaking of marketing - check out this amazing sign from the crack team at Mardens. Don't know what to get?  Yep.  Still don't, but thanks.

 Another gem for the marketing files - Look, I get it. It's a cover that just goes over the top of the grill...but why bikini?  Do they think it's sexy?  I know nothing get's me going like a grill with a nice tight top....

 All about the Benjamins (and Grants)?  only have $6? - well, problem solved.  Buy this shirt and you'll feel like...well, probably like 6 bucks.  Say it with me now, BUT WHY?!

 Look.  I like Guy Fieri as much as the next chubby chick who likes burgers - but come on...I suppose if I were bald and wanted to look like a middle aged frat guy on a budget, I'd go this route - otherwise, WHY?

 Cute lion...I kinda love the part down the middle...but the bedazzled mustache?  Also it's only about 1.5 inches tall...I bet some adorable little memere has a cute little curio with an entire bedazzled jungle just waiting for her king...I hope she finds you, little buddy!

 These are "good" until 2019....yeah, doubtful.

Thanks for tuning in for another episode of Ugly Crap I Found at Mardens!  This is our opinion, we welcome yours!

Your Metallic Shoe Headquarters

Hey everyone! Erin-Margaret here - Sarah and I once shared an apartment at UMaine, who knew we also shared a love for Maine's eclectic superstore?!  This morning I needed some thread and some fabric for a quilt I am working on, and Marden's is the BEST place for quilting supplies - so off I went.  I found several gems today - here are a few:

 Need a little more luster in your life?  Look no further.

 This lovely pair of silver-toned moon boots bring a feeling of nostalgia that has me looking for country kitchen bags to wear over my feet and the nearest sledding hill.  If you're looking for durability, these boots look like they have about as much as the original moon boots from the 80's..approximately 20 minutes.

If you're into luxury - check these babies out.  The loafer/mule design, the "rose gold" color, the FUR..Not sure where to begin here.  Need a little extra warmth and comfort for your C3PO costume?  Want to feel like you're kicking around Trump Tower or the "Winter White House"?  Slip your tired dogs into this luxurious faux fur and step out!  All for the low, low price of $13.99!

Actually...It is.

Do you love Awkward Family Photos AND puzzles?  Well, check this out - satisfy both needs in one with this 999 piece puzzle!  Nothing says family fun time like building a puzzle of other people and their pets...

-Erin-Margaret

Adventures with Marden's Off-Brand Candy

It's two weeks after Halloween, but whatever. At Marden's, it might as well be Halloween every day.

The food aisle at Marden's is, well...let's call it "eclectic." Sometimes it has things a normal person would actually consider eating; most of the time it's filled with stacks upon stacks of canned Cream of Mushroom soup and every flavor Slim Jim one could imagine. But the candy aisle is almost always a jackpot. I'm showing you the weirder of the things I found; I also got Milky Ways and Reese's and even Ghirardelli.

These are Narbles.

What are Narbles? Well first of all, they are disgusting. They are not "candy fruit slammers," as the packaging would lead you to believe. They are basically imitation Runts. And who the hell buys Runts these days? Except when you're stuck at the tire store when they're frigging with your snow tires, and your mouth is really dry and everything smells (and therefore tastes) like rubber, and all you have is $.25, which is not enough for a bottle of water, but is enough for a handful of candy from the Runts machine in the waiting room. And you instantly regret it. What? I can't be the only person this has happened to.

Anyway, Narbles are worse than Runts. Don't eat them. They kind of look like tiny balls for a mouse pool table.

Next up, Israeli chocolate bars with "popping candy."

These are better-tasting than Narbles, but more weird. It's chocolate with Pop Rocks. If you bite into the bar and chew it, it just tastes like a slightly crunchy, slightly strawberry-flavored chocolate bar. But if you break off a square and let it melt in your mouth, something magical happens. Which caused me to exclaim that "something chocolatey is exploding in my mouth," which of course resulted in my friends basically falling off their chairs laughing.

So in summary, the Israeli Pop Rocks chocolate bar is a pretty solid Marden's investment at $.88, depending on the maturity level of you and/or your friends. But stay away from the Narbles at all costs.

Prince called, and he would like to remind you that Purple Rain happened in 1984.

So, really no need to shell out the $85 for these unless you have your own personal DeLorean.

We have no idea what this is...

So of course, we tried to smoke it.

It's starting to turn from shorts and skirts weather to pants weather. (Which, if you know me well, you know this is depressing not because I hate the cold, but because I hate pants.)

These shorts, though? Would keep both me and Jillian warm on a cold winter's night, because they're essentially made to fit Paul freakin' Bunyan. And suddenly I have a craving for flapjacks.

In real life

I knew that this would happen at some point. Remember this one from June?

So I walk into work last week, and one of my coworkers is wearing it. I am so not lying. I didn't even make it over to my own desk before I just about hit the floor with laughter. He says he bought it for $4 in Lincoln. I've blacked out his face because, despite having a strange fashion sense, he's an incredibly nice guy and was enough of a good sport to let me take his picture. Also, he thinks it's funny when I call him "Captain Tightpants."

As you can see, my coworker is demonstrating the correct way to wear this shirt: with jeans, sleeves rolled up, and unbuttoned to the third button. Take note, men, next time you find yourself considering something similar at Marden's.

Fake Captain of a Fake Ship

This reminds me of when I was four or five, and my neighbor at camp used to let me and my brother wear a captain's hat and "drive" his boat on the lake. As an adult, the only instances in which one could wear this jacket would be either ironically or if he/she were trapped in Mr. Rogers Land of Make-Believe. First of all, the insignia reads, "VIP Person." That's as redundant as using your "PIN number" at the "ATM machine." And then it lists a bunch of random letters as the acronym for what's surely a nonexistent nautical organization: AFSCME. I googled it and came up with The American Association of State, County, and Municipal Employees, and that can't be right. A Fake Sea Captain of Marine Equipment? Hmm.

This post is rawrsome

I am not at all ashamed to admit that I am currently scouring the interwebs for an exact copy of this t-shirt in my size. (I shudder to think what my adult-sized chestal region would do to this juniors-sized garment). I've found some fair copies, but they've all lacked the essential element of the glitter. To go all Paleolithic: SHIRT RAWRSOME. MUST. HAVE. SHIRT.

Believe you me...when I spotted this the other day, I did not expect that a book titled "All Men" would contain scrapbook pages. But that's just my mind lately. Sigh.

I guess Marden's probably considers this "Americana." It took me a while to identify them as chickens. Evil, Yankees-pinstripe-wearing, triangular chickens that stretch even the broad definition of "lawn decoration."

The lovely Allison here is holding up a dress that's two parts unspecified female superhero and one part The Flintstones. Because why not slap some leopard-print cap sleeves on an otherwise unobjectionable dress? But that's not the point. Allison has a blog of her own on cooking, and it's cute and funny, and you should read it. It's called A Cup of Peanut Butter is A Lot, and you can find it here.

Allison's boyfriend is leaving tomorrow for a whole long weekend with our theater company, and I'm concerned that she might get a little lonely. So Allison, here's your challenge: make a nice dinner, just for you. You don't have to go the full Julia Child and make Coq au Vin or anything like that, but you have to make something creative--i.e., no recipe. Recipes are stupid and constraining, so just throw some stuff that you like in a pot or a pan and see what happens. Also, it can't be from a box. Or a can. And it must have more than three ingredients. And then you need to write about it, because I'm sure it will either be delicious or hilarious. Okay? Go!

In the bars in Boston, I used to play an improvised game with my girlfriends called Douchebag Bingo. Basically whoever spotted everything on a list of d-bag-related items (backwards hat, sunglasses indoors, wedding ring tan, shirt opened to the third button or more, neck tattoo, Ed Hardy t-shirt, Yankees paraphernalia, etc.) called BINGO and drank free for the rest of the night.

This shirt is a BINGO all by itself.

For when you want your torso to resemble a bad painting by an art student who was suddenly struck with inspiration by Picasso in his surrealist period. Although you could probably just hire said art student to throw paint at your torso.

Mom Pants Extravaganza!

It appears that a slacker employee with a penchant for crafting went nuts, because I last saw these patterns in the Marden's discount fabric aisle.

Another trend for summer, ever so slightly more bearable than the strapless rompers: satin scarves repurposed as casual wear.

I have this satin bathrobe that my ex bought me in Chinatown in Toronto years ago that reminds me of the shirt at the top. But you know what, I've never ventured out of the house with it. Though I inadvertently walked halfway to work in my fuzzy slippers one morning when I lived in Boston. I got all the way to the Dunkin Donuts on the corner before I looked down at my feet and laughed at myself. I hope it doesn't take that long for the person who buys this stuff to look down at their torso and recognize the utter ridiculousness of their attire.

Meredith suggested that these fabulous muppety shoes could be the makings of a Sexy Elmo Halloween costume.

And much as I despise the whole "sexy character from a children's show" oeuvre (see also: sexy Rainbow Brite), I'm kinda all over the Sexy Elmo concept.

Whaaaa......?

.......Ohhhhhhhhh. No, I still don't get it.

A lot of high school commencements are happening this weekend. Congratulations, graduates!

It's what you've always wanted as you head out into the world a newly anointed graduate: a frog with a mortarboard and a diploma!

By now I'm sure you've heard a half dozen inspirational speeches about how education is essential but will only get you so far, and common sense and practical thinking are just as important, and you have to be resourceful to be successful, and blahdy blah blah. Well this frog just graduated too, and he went in the nude rather than wear one of those hideous translucent robes that'll turn your skin funny colors if it rains during the ceremony. That's what we experienced people call "street smarts." Take note.

Oh my heck, these are the cheesiest and simultaneously most fantastic purses known to womankind:

The piano, the weird ball and bow, and the butterfly I can survive without, but none of you had better buy the owl before it gets marked down or I will hunt you down and steal it. It's $50, which I think is pretty expensive for a tiny purse that can barely fit your phone and a tampon (though I checked, and it comes packed with an expandable auxiliary bag for just such emergencies). But it's so amazing that my best friend and I actually discussed splitting the cost and sharing custody. I don't see why it wouldn't work--I mean, how many special occasions can you bring an ironic bird purse to without being labeled insane?