25 May 2011


While most of the things we find at Marden's are plenty ugly on their own, there's so much joy to be had in turning them into ill-advised outfits. So: powder blue satin tunic that threw up lace all over its front. Neon flower-printed mom pants. Shoes that resemble a dead form of aquatic life. Do the three items sort of coordinate? Sure. Is there a chance you could be mistaken for a clown school escapee? Absolutely.

20 May 2011

Somewhere out there, there is some just-out-of college dude who thinks this would look awesome in the man cave he's building in his parents' basement next to the laundry room. He thinks it'll look totally rockin' beside the Pamela Anderson Baywatch poster he plans on hanging on the wall. (Or Beyoncé or whoever; truly I have no idea who the kids like these days.)

Go forth, young man, and seek your dream chair. And try not to spill as much beer on it as I spilled on my old post-college futon.

19 May 2011

These are denim lady-Hammer Pants. To say anything else in the way of description would be to ruin the purity of the experience.

18 May 2011

Being mostly women in our little posse of Marden's-scouters, we rarely venture over to the men's side of the store. With special thanks to Joe, we won't be making that mistake again. I think the makers of this shirt mistook the concept of "camouflage" for "let's make sure the whole forest sees me coming in my bright, clashy ugly-suit."
Really, ladies. If you have to shout it, you probably don't have it.

17 May 2011

The Most Amazing Shoes I've Ever Seen

I've been waiting for the right time to unleash this one on you all, because it is truly a miraculous triumph of the Marden's shoe section. And it's been so rainy lately, and we deserve at least a little artificial sunshine. Drumroll, please...

Squeeeeee! But I'll have you know that these are not just four-inch rhinestone stiletto silver platform shoes. They are Mariah Carey four-inch rhinestone stiletto silver platform shoes! Holy Jesus on a stick, I need eight pairs of these, NOW. This kind of discovery needs to be viewed from more than one angle:

The part I love most, other than how giggly I get when I imagine trying to walk in these, is how the platforms look like really expensive foot-dentures. Like Kanye's diamond grill. The shoes still would have been crazy-ish without the extra two inches of rhinestones, but Mariah likes her footwear extra cracked-out.

Jillian, who does not have elf-sized feet like me and can therefore shop in the big girls' part of the shoe section, scored the gold version:

She did manage to walk down most of the shoe aisle wearing them, and no she did not fall down or grab onto the racks or even teeter all that much. In the end, we both decided that $35 was a bit much to spend on foot-torture devices we can't wear more than once a year, transcendently beautiful as they are. But we sure do hope someone out there gives them a good home.

16 May 2011

Sooooo, about that animal-print romper I posted yesterday. It was, unfortunately, not the worst one we found.

And if anyone sees some unfortunate woman wearing this at Barnaby's--and let's be honest, that's the only place in the greater Bangor/Ellsworth area this is gonna turn up--ferchrissakes, take a picture!

(Well, okay. Maybe a drag show.)

15 May 2011

One more. In case you want to wear your animal-print romper and your animal-print sandals in front of your animal-print home decor.

Animal Prints Omnibus, Part II: The Clothing

Like the last post, I don't have much to say except, "Here are a bunch of animal prints." And also, "I would never wear these." I do feel that it is my obligation to inform you that the first picture is not a shirt. Nor is it a trashy dress. It is a romper. More on that later.

The lovely hand behind the clothing belongs to Jillian, who is an awesome ugly-spotter and an even awesomer friend!

Animal Prints Omnibus, Part I: The Shoes

When I downloaded the approximately 30 pictures I took at the Ellsworth Marden's today, I realized that a full half of the photos were of various animal prints. So without my usual exposition, and not at all because I need to unload a bunch of pictures at once, have at it! And if you're feeling extra ambitious, tell me which pair is your favorite in the comments.

Okay, last wedding-related post. (For this shipment, at least.) But, wedding shooz! Except I can't decide if they're awesome or kinda Muppety.

11 May 2011

A True Maine Bargain

We all know Mainers love their outdoor sports almost as much as they love a good bargain. Well here is the Marden's embodiment of "value": for under $5, you can get yourself a "value pack" of a fish can cooler, a fish bottle cooler, and a fish antenna topper! All in one package! (For the record, they also had ones shaped like bullets.)

But wait, what's around the corner?



These could almost be...dare I say it?...cute. If not for the fact that they are made of furry purple argyle. Actually, they kind of make me want to re-watch Monsters, Inc.

I have a huge backlog of ugly shoe pictures to get through. (The best is yet to come. And oh yes, it will be amazing). Here we have faux shearling pointy-toed high-heeled clogs. All I can think of are goat hooves. I didn't dare try them on lest I be sick on my own feet.

It's a rainbow of ugly shoes

Crocs (or faux-Crocs, in this case) are ugly to begin with. It's completely unnecessary to BeDazzle them. Or to offer what are clearly toddler-style shoes in adult sizes.

Although I suppose they're better than their ugly cousins, they also had these weird faux-Croc rain boots. I could totally envision some Somerville hipster wearing these to the bar as a fashion statement.

04 May 2011

Wait, what? I'm not trying to be snarky; I genuinely don't get it. Isn't charades, like, just a game you play where you act stuff out and people guess what it is? The game doesn't exactly require anything special, except a bunch people willing to make asses of themselves in a group setting. The box claims to add "exciting and surprising twists!" But really folks, IT'S JUST CHARADES. You can do it for free.

Also, I love how Marden's labeled the sign "The Charades" instead of "The Charades Game" or just plain "Charades." It makes it sound like an STI. "Honey, I have something terrible to tell you. My test results came back, and...I have The Charades."

03 May 2011

I dropped in on the Brewer Marden's on my way home today. Sadly, the wedding gowns are gone. But, well....let's just say that they've been replaced by a whole new stock:

Let's take a closer look!

These are not the kind of drawers you'll find at Target. These are some fancy friggin undies; even at 70% off, most of it's over $20. But even La Perla wouldn't look exactly classy if it were sold at Marden's, would it?

Though if you're still stuck on the wedding theme, Marden's has some silk wedding-night attire for you.

02 May 2011