When wandering the aisles of Mardens looking for items for this blog (or any other time, really) I'm often confronted with the same question.  Whether it is in ladies clothing, shoes, toys... and especially in the questionable foods section, the question remains the same - "But - WHY?!".

 I'm all about this toy - looks like a blast...but can we have a conversation about that tag line?

When you're ready to play dirty?

Do you think the marketing interns had a bet to see what they could sneak by the execs?  I hope someone won some cash, or a bucket of chicken wings or something...

Speaking of marketing - check out this amazing sign from the crack team at Mardens. Don't know what to get?  Yep.  Still don't, but thanks.

 Another gem for the marketing files - Look, I get it. It's a cover that just goes over the top of the grill...but why bikini?  Do they think it's sexy?  I know nothing get's me going like a grill with a nice tight top....

 All about the Benjamins (and Grants)?  only have $6? - well, problem solved.  Buy this shirt and you'll feel like...well, probably like 6 bucks.  Say it with me now, BUT WHY?!

 Look.  I like Guy Fieri as much as the next chubby chick who likes burgers - but come on...I suppose if I were bald and wanted to look like a middle aged frat guy on a budget, I'd go this route - otherwise, WHY?

 Cute lion...I kinda love the part down the middle...but the bedazzled mustache?  Also it's only about 1.5 inches tall...I bet some adorable little memere has a cute little curio with an entire bedazzled jungle just waiting for her king...I hope she finds you, little buddy!

 These are "good" until 2019....yeah, doubtful.

Thanks for tuning in for another episode of Ugly Crap I Found at Mardens!  This is our opinion, we welcome yours!

Your Metallic Shoe Headquarters

Hey everyone! Erin-Margaret here - Sarah and I once shared an apartment at UMaine, who knew we also shared a love for Maine's eclectic superstore?!  This morning I needed some thread and some fabric for a quilt I am working on, and Marden's is the BEST place for quilting supplies - so off I went.  I found several gems today - here are a few:

 Need a little more luster in your life?  Look no further.

 This lovely pair of silver-toned moon boots bring a feeling of nostalgia that has me looking for country kitchen bags to wear over my feet and the nearest sledding hill.  If you're looking for durability, these boots look like they have about as much as the original moon boots from the 80's..approximately 20 minutes.

If you're into luxury - check these babies out.  The loafer/mule design, the "rose gold" color, the FUR..Not sure where to begin here.  Need a little extra warmth and comfort for your C3PO costume?  Want to feel like you're kicking around Trump Tower or the "Winter White House"?  Slip your tired dogs into this luxurious faux fur and step out!  All for the low, low price of $13.99!

Actually...It is.

Do you love Awkward Family Photos AND puzzles?  Well, check this out - satisfy both needs in one with this 999 piece puzzle!  Nothing says family fun time like building a puzzle of other people and their pets...

-Erin-Margaret

Adventures with Marden's Off-Brand Candy

It's two weeks after Halloween, but whatever. At Marden's, it might as well be Halloween every day.

The food aisle at Marden's is, well...let's call it "eclectic." Sometimes it has things a normal person would actually consider eating; most of the time it's filled with stacks upon stacks of canned Cream of Mushroom soup and every flavor Slim Jim one could imagine. But the candy aisle is almost always a jackpot. I'm showing you the weirder of the things I found; I also got Milky Ways and Reese's and even Ghirardelli.

These are Narbles.

What are Narbles? Well first of all, they are disgusting. They are not "candy fruit slammers," as the packaging would lead you to believe. They are basically imitation Runts. And who the hell buys Runts these days? Except when you're stuck at the tire store when they're frigging with your snow tires, and your mouth is really dry and everything smells (and therefore tastes) like rubber, and all you have is $.25, which is not enough for a bottle of water, but is enough for a handful of candy from the Runts machine in the waiting room. And you instantly regret it. What? I can't be the only person this has happened to.

Anyway, Narbles are worse than Runts. Don't eat them. They kind of look like tiny balls for a mouse pool table.

Next up, Israeli chocolate bars with "popping candy."

These are better-tasting than Narbles, but more weird. It's chocolate with Pop Rocks. If you bite into the bar and chew it, it just tastes like a slightly crunchy, slightly strawberry-flavored chocolate bar. But if you break off a square and let it melt in your mouth, something magical happens. Which caused me to exclaim that "something chocolatey is exploding in my mouth," which of course resulted in my friends basically falling off their chairs laughing.

So in summary, the Israeli Pop Rocks chocolate bar is a pretty solid Marden's investment at $.88, depending on the maturity level of you and/or your friends. But stay away from the Narbles at all costs.

Prince called, and he would like to remind you that Purple Rain happened in 1984.

So, really no need to shell out the $85 for these unless you have your own personal DeLorean.

We have no idea what this is...

So of course, we tried to smoke it.

It's starting to turn from shorts and skirts weather to pants weather. (Which, if you know me well, you know this is depressing not because I hate the cold, but because I hate pants.)

These shorts, though? Would keep both me and Jillian warm on a cold winter's night, because they're essentially made to fit Paul freakin' Bunyan. And suddenly I have a craving for flapjacks.

In real life

I knew that this would happen at some point. Remember this one from June?

So I walk into work last week, and one of my coworkers is wearing it. I am so not lying. I didn't even make it over to my own desk before I just about hit the floor with laughter. He says he bought it for $4 in Lincoln. I've blacked out his face because, despite having a strange fashion sense, he's an incredibly nice guy and was enough of a good sport to let me take his picture. Also, he thinks it's funny when I call him "Captain Tightpants."

As you can see, my coworker is demonstrating the correct way to wear this shirt: with jeans, sleeves rolled up, and unbuttoned to the third button. Take note, men, next time you find yourself considering something similar at Marden's.